


Sneaking Around Requires Soft Steps and Natural Ability, Neither of Which Is Easy To Come By

by imaweirdkid



Series: Careful When You Fall For Someone Cause You Might Break Your Neck [1]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Emotionally Repressed, Getting Together, M/M, Miscommunication, because they both are, some other familiar faces also make an appearance, they kind of already are but they don't talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:26:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25611280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaweirdkid/pseuds/imaweirdkid
Summary: Gintoki and Hijikata are sneaking around, only neither one exactly wants to be. And then there's this problem with the cake guy's daughter...orHow to tell people that you’re together when you’re not sure if you’re actually together.
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki
Series: Careful When You Fall For Someone Cause You Might Break Your Neck [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1878241
Comments: 38
Kudos: 260





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Still in the process of watching the anime, so you won't find spoilers in this! Also not beta'd, because I am impatient and clearly need validation. Oy vey... Enjoy!

He isn’t one to sneak around usually. Well, not when it concerns… you know. And he doesn’t actually think Hijikata expected this to become some dirty little secret. Gintoki certainly hadn’t! He didn’t really expect this to be anything if he is being honest. He was just being a little flirty, when they were drinking together one night because that’s just how Gin-san naturally is! He can’t help but be a little flirty from time to time, give ‘em a lil of the ol’ razzle dazzle, ey? As is perfectly natural for a main character of his calibre.

But then, next thing he knew, Hijikata and him were necking in an alleyway and boom, love hotel.

Which sounds quite shady if he’s honest. It sounds even more shady when he thinks about the fact that this wasn’t the last time it happened. It has since reoccurred with both alarming and pleasing regularity, with no one else the wiser. And that’s a little bit the crux of his problem. It sounds exactly as if he is Hijikata’s dirty little secret and worse, it sounds as if Hijikata is his.

And that’s just straight up not true!

Well, it is and isn’t. No one knows about them. Not the kids, certainly not the Shinsengumi, so technically the secret part is true and they only fuck in love hotels which is shady, but where else are they supposed to go without anyone knowing? But that means it is a dirty little secret and gah, Gintoki can’t win here is the thing.

He could just go ahead and tell the kids, he supposes. But even though he is fairly, reasonably, almost entirely certain that Hijikata probably, most likely feels at least similar about the situation…

He can’t be sure.

And so, he doesn’t say anything to the kids. Doesn’t say anything to Hijikata. Hasn’t said anything for the past five months that this has been going on. And it’s slowly but surely driving Gintoki insane…

* * *

“Gin-chan, we have a client-aru,” Kagura announces 3/4 through Gintoki’s existential crisis.

Gintoki looks up from his JUMP. He didn’t even realise that someone knocked, let alone that Kagura opened the door.

A woman is standing behind Kagura in an extravagant Kimono. She looks too expensive to be anywhere near this house or even this neighbourhood. Certainly too expensive to be standing in his entryway.

“Excuse me,” she says in a quiet voice, “are you Yorozuya Gin-chan?”

For a second, Gintoki doesn’t know what to say. The kimono is likely worth more than his entire existence and they haven’t had a client in weeks. Then he finds his protagonist charm, sits up straight and lets his JUMP fall beside him on the floor.

“Yes, yes, Yorozuya Gin-chan at your service. How can we be of help?”

She sits down opposite him and Kagura drops down next to him. Where is Shinpachi? They could really use his ability to be the straight-man right now.

“We don’t get many clients these days,” the brat says.

“Because we are very, very busy,” Gintoki reassures their client, “with other things, isn’t that right, Kagura?” Great. Now Gin-san has to take over for Shinpachi. How irresponsible.

“Not really,” Kagura says and has the audacity to look completely unashamed. She takes too much after himself really.

“Um,” the woman says, “my name is Nakamura Haruka. You see, my father is Nakamura Keisuke. He is a wealthy man. He owns a number of factories that make—”

“FEKUTORI KEEKI!!” Gintoki and Kagura both exclaim at the same time, and Gintoki adds, “he makes these new cake desserts?”

“The ones we can never afford-aru!” Kagura cries.

Nakamura-san nods.

“Yes, he makes Factory Cakes. We are all very proud of him. Only…”

“Only what?” Gintoki is excited now. A sweets mogul’s daughter. This is bound to be a good job.  
“Someone stole the recipe? You need a cake tester? A lifelong job as the lead flavour ideas guy?”

“No,” she says and looks down at where she is wringing her hands, “He wants me to get married, but is unhappy with my choice of partner.”

Her whole body seems to shrink in on itself at the thought.

“Oh?” Gintoki says and is slightly disappointed that this job likely won’t require his taste testing skills, “Well, we aren’t exactly experienced in matchmaking, but I’m sure we can find someone suitable for the daughter of the owner of Factory Cakes!”

“It’s not that,” she says, “I would rather run away with my love, but I fear I would make a poor wife for him, so…”

“So?” Gintoki is missing something here.

“So I need someone to teach me how to be a poor man’s wife, how to do all the chores and cook, even with little money,” she says and looks up at them, “and then I need you to help me disappear with him.”

“D-Disappear with him?”

“Yes, though I don’t yet know whether he will be agreeable. He has a job here and I think it is quite important to him. Maybe you can help me convince him as well.”

When she sees Gintoki’s less than enthusiastic face, she adds,  
“I can pay good money!”

The thought of money stirs Gintoki into action. Money would be good. Money would be excellent. Kagura could get some food, they could get beef as a matter of fact. He could play some Pachinko. He could pay for once when he goes for Sake with Toush— with the tax thief. Money, he decides, couldn’t come at a more opportune moment. So he puts on his Determined-Face and looks straight at her.

“We will help you, Nakamura-san!” he declares.

Her face lights up immediately.

“Really?”

“Yes, this will be an excellent job for Yorozuya. Though you understand, it may be expensive…”

“Oh, I have money, no problem.”

“Brilliant. Well, I already know who can teach you all of the things a poor man’s wife needs to know! The old hag downstairs has been a wife, I’m sure she can show you the robes. What kind of salary will you have to live on in the future then? A fisherman’s? A factory worker’s?”

She shakes her head.

“No,” she says and smiles softly, “He is a member of the Shinsengumi.”

Somewhere in the general direction of his stomach, Gintoki feels the dreadful premonition that this is going to land him in trouble.

* * *

The day has been tiring. Reports, reports, reports. And to top it all of, they had been informed of a shipment of bombs that was — one — illegal and — two — going to be interfered with by the rebels and that thrice damned Katsura. The latter once again escaped custody, but at least the bombs were confiscated and didn’t blow up in his face, which he counts as a plus. Though he fully expects to find one in his futon tonight, courtesy of Sougo. Which means he probably shouldn’t sleep here actually… and isn’t that an idea to brighten up this day.

“Yamazaki,” he shouts, his mind quickly made up, across the room in the general direction of the door, whilst peeling out of his Shinsengumi uniform and changing into a simpler yukata. Best be inconspicuous. “I am going for a drink tonight. If anything comes up, report to Okita.”

Yamazaki doesn’t respond, which is strange, but he doesn’t think anything of it. Maybe the bastard’s fallen asleep somewhere. Well, he’ll go to Kondou or Okita anyway once he realises Hijikata isn’t in.

He walks out of the barracks, dodges a flying knife that Okita throws his way, ignores the subsequent “Please die, Hijikata-san” as he walks past him and out onto the street.

It is a surprisingly quiet evening. The sun hangs low in the sky and all his stress seems to stay behind in the barracks in anticipation of what the evening may bring. A feeling that Hijikata has experienced regularly in the last few months and is trying hard not to examine too closely.

He doesn’t wonder any more which bar to go to, which is a plus. In the beginning, it was more difficult to match their schedules and figure out where they were going to meet — especially since everything had happened quite suddenly and both of them were rather averse to talking about it. To be fair, he couldn’t very well just show up at Yorozuya’s what with the kids being there at all hours, and the bastard showing up at the barracks was a nightmare to even imagine. So it had been trial and error.

Hijikata will never again think of that one night he went bar hopping in the hopes of meeting the permed bastard, only to return home alone unsuccessful in the middle of the night, shameful like a thirteen-year-old girl with a crush. Nope, not thinking about that.

Anyway, now they have a regular bar, they both frequent. Not far from Gintoki’s favourite Pachinko parlour, so when the bastard returns from his daily loss he can inconspicuously check if Hijikata is sitting there already with a drink in hand. Problem solved, nothing needs to be discussed and no one needs to feel pathetic.

When Hijikata gets to the bar, he is the first customer. The barman, an Amanto who regularly gets into arguments with Gintoki about the best brand of strawberry milk, asks if he wants his usual.

“Yes, please,” he says and sits.

“Yorozuya-san will be glad you came by,” the Amanto says and Hijikata’s back stiffens. The downside of a regular bar of course is that people start to pick things up about you. Like the fact you’re usually accompanied by a good for nothing pre-diabetic.

“Oh yeah?”, he says, noncommittally.

“Yeah,” the bar man replies and sets down Hijikata’s sake in front of him, ”has been moping for days. He’s quite a sentimental drunk, isn’t he?”

Hijikata snorts and smiles.

“Tell me about it,” he answers and takes a sip.

* * *

Nakamura-san left with the promise to return tomorrow with the first pay check — which Gintoki is very excited for — and with the intention of starting her training to be a poor man’s wife bright and early — which Gintoki is not so excited for. If only because he has to get Otose in on this thing or learn how to become a poor man’s wife in one night himself to teach the girl.

He isn’t quite sure what being a poor man’s wife entails to be honest. He is kind of hoping that Otose may have a few ideas, but talking to the old hag before he absolutely has to is a big no-no. He would much rather show up tomorrow with Nakamura in tow and hope that her fancy clothes will spell out ‘rent payment’ to Otose without him having to say so. Not that he wants to spend the money on rent. But if she is to help him, he supposes, he can let her in on the spoils.

Then there’s the issue with the Shinsengumi. Somehow he thinks Hijikata will be less than impressed with him if he is the reason someone quits that stupid rag tag team of tax thieves.

He hasn’t seen the bastard in a week actually. Which is also aggravating. What is Gin-san? Chopped liver? Gin-san has needs. Gin-san is a person with feelings.

He is trying valiantly not too look too closely at those feelings as he passes what has become their bar on his way to the Pachinko parlour. What? Gin-san needs a distraction after a hard-day’s work!

He could check now if Hijikata is there or later… Going in and walking back out if he isn’t there is such an annoying thing to do, though. And that Amanto bartender is starting to look at him with something close to pity after he started drinking alone a couple of evenings last week, and if there is one thing Gintoki cannot take it is pity. Then again if Hijikata is there…

Because he is pathetic, he actually risks peeking inside.

To his immense surprise, the bastard is sitting at the bar in the world’s most soft looking yukata. Gintoki can tell immediately that it’s as soft as it looks, because he knows this yukata. He has peeled Hijikata out of it before.

The bartender sees and greets him and Hijikata turns to follow the man’s eyes. The minute he spies Gintoki in the doorway, he smiles softly, the sentimental idiot, and Gintoki’s heart is doing something funny. Something very funny. It must be because they haven’t seen each other in a week. Because he swears he wasn’t this pathetic before. It’s a bit disgraceful. But only a bit.

“Oi, oi, Yorozuya, here you had me thinking you had something useful to do tonight,” the Mayora drawls.

“Pfft, and what are you doing here, eh? Drinking away all my hard-earned tax money?”

“You’ve never paid taxes in your life and you know it, bastard.”

“Gin-san provides important services to the neighbourhood,” he says and sits down next to the mayo-brained asshole, “unlike you and your resident sadist.”

Hijikata snorts.

The bartender sets down his usual choice of sake in front of him, as Gintoki tries to subtly take Hijikata in. He has bags under his eyes, so he hasn’t slept properly — probably too much work — and there's colour on his cheeks, so he’s been here a little while. Of all the evenings he’s free it’s the one when Gintoki is coming this way later than usual. Not that it matters. They just meet when their schedules happen to line up. It’s casual. Gin-san can do casual. He’s great at casual.

“All good?”, he asks, casually.

Hijikata grunts in agreement.

“You?”

“Yes, yes, Gin-san has no problems.”

“You are a walking problem.”

Something occurs to Gintoki then. If Nakamura-san was seeing someone within the Shinsengumi, Hijikata may have at least heard about it, which means he may be able to tell Gintoki how in love the guy is with her and what the chances are that he may or may not leave the Shinsengumi to become a married man. Though the last part Gintoki will have to infer from his answers rather than asking straight on. He doesn’t really fancy a needless argument tonight.

No, he would much prefer Hijikata to give him some pointers on this job, then have a nice drink together, and after maybe, potentially, they could go to that hotel down the road, just for a bit…

“Oi, oi, Hijikata-kuuuun, you ever eat those delicious Factory Cakes?”

“Huh?” Hijikata takes out his pack of cigarettes and lights one, “Yes, we get them sent to the barracks quite frequently. Funny story actually.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes, the owner’s daughter was kidnapped about a few months ago. We saved her and she’s been sending gifts ever since.” He blows smoke through his lips.

“Gifts? She’s not… coming to visit at irregular hours, sneaking around the barracks, grabbing one of yours for a walk in the park?”

“What?” Hijikata asks, seeming confused, “No, no, I don’t know if she even knows anyone but Okita and me, since we were the ones to rescue her.”

There it is again. The dreadful feeling in his stomach.

Hijikata lets some more smoke escape through his lips. Gintoki’s eyes follow it.

“Funniest part was she wanted to marry me as thanks, can you imagine? Silly thing. Thankfully her father stepped in.”

Oh, Gintoki thinks.

_Oh._


	2. Chapter 2

The speed with which the sweet toothed bastard hauled himself out of the bar a second ago honestly gave Hijikata whiplash. One moment, they are having what is pointing towards a pleasant evening, the next the damned Yorozuya is running out of the bar as if stung by a wasp, mumbling something about a client. A client that is apparently so important that he needs to be dealt with right now. Incidentally ruining Hijikata’s plans for the evening in the process.

Not that he had any plans. It’s fine either way. Fine, Yorozuya has work, that’s fine. Hijikata can have fun by himself. He doesn’t need the bastard. He can go ages without spending time with him really. Months he could go without seeing Gintoki’s dead-eyed mug. No problem.

The only annoying thing here is the way the bartender keeps looking at him now. He gives Hijikata this look as if Hijikata’s world just ended because the natural perm has something better to do than Hijikata… than spending time with Hijikata, that is.

It’s fine, though, brilliant even. He’ll just finish his drink in peace then, what with not having to rush because of Gintoki’s impatience, it’s good… so he will have that drink and then he’ll go back to the barracks. Just like any other evening. Which this is. Just another evening.

And if his eyes flicker to the door a couple times in the ten minutes it takes him to finish his drink, who’s to say anything about it.

“Oi, oi,” he says to the bartender, puts coins on the counter and makes to head out.

“Hope next time goes better for you, friend,” says the Amanto and honestly that’s the last straw.

“Pfft, who cares,” he says, “have a good evening.”

When the cold night wind blows into his face on his way back to the barracks, he pretends that he hadn’t counted on Gintoki’s arm to warm him on the way out.

* * *

Okay, the first step to solving any problem is to Not panic. Simple. Gintoki like any good protagonist isn’t prone to panic, so he has the first step in the bag already.

The second step is to actually solve the problem. The problem being that apparently his job is to get his maybe boyfriend/it’s complicated to agree to marry his client whom he is also meant to turn into the perfect wife material for said maybe boyfriend/it’s complicated.

He should just forfeit the job, he realises. Simple. Done.

Only, the girl seems to be determined and he somehow thinks she will just take her money elsewhere and then what? Someone else with no scruples may just steal Hijikata away in the dead of night. Or worse they may actually succeed in turning Nakamura-san into the perfect Shinsengumi wife. What if Hijikata falls in love with her? Worse, what if Hijikata already is in love with her and only said no, because he doesn’t feel good enough for her?

What if, given the chance, Hijikata would run away with Nakamura?

No, Gintoki will have to take the job and make sure that Nakamura loses all interest in becoming “a poor man’s wife” — a title that Gintoki has quite a few problems with, now that he knows she was referring to Hijikata. The audacity! Hijikata may be a grumbling miserable old bastard with a frankly unnatural and unsettling love for mayonnaise but he is certainly no poor man and even if he was, there is more to life than money. Which is a thought Gintoki is both terrified and quite proud of himself for having.

So he will have to make the girl hate being quote-unquote “poor”. Well, this should be easy. Gintoki is dirt poor, he can show her what it’s like to search the sofa for coins to buy toilet paper! At the end of the day, this is the perfect job for him still! And after the job, he can take Hijikata out with the money, treat him for running out on him so suddenly today and Hijikata doesn’t have to be any the wiser!

What can possibly go wrong?

* * *

When he gets back to the barracks, it’s to the picture of the Shinsengumi laying about and stuffing themselves with thrice-damned Factory Cakes. Someone has it out for Hijikata tonight and whoever it is, they like cake.

“Hijikata-san,” says Okita, who materialises next to him, “You’ve gotten another delivery from Cake Girl.” How obvious. “I gave the cakes to everyone else, but I saved this one for you. Please enjoy.”

He presents a Factory Cake with what is clearly rat poison sprinkled on top. Hijikata grimaces.

“Thanks, I’m not hungry,” he grumbles. But Okita just steps closer and tries to push the cake into his face.

“Please enjoy, Hijikata-san,” he says whilst trying to push individual pieces of cake into Hijikata’s mouth. “It’s delicious, Hijikata-san.”

He manages to escape death by cake only because Kondou shouts his name when he spots him.

“Toushi! Toushi, your lover has sent more cakes! What a brilliant choice you made!”

He laughs and Hijikata hates it. Hates the whole thing. This has been going on for the last two months. The whole Shinsengumi are teasing him about his not so secret admirer and it’s not even the one he is actually seeing!

“Oi, oi, Kondou-san, I keep telling you. I haven’t chosen anyone.” Lie, he thinks, but pushes the thought aside. “She just keeps sending them. I haven’t even spoken to her since that whole thing.”

“Ahaha, you are a natural ladies man! It’s that simple. But honestly, you should strike while the iron is hot! Ladies don’t wait around for ages, you know?”

“Nah, Kondou-san, her father didn’t approve anyway and what am I to do with such a spoiled girl, ey?” He tries to deflect but Kondou isn’t easily distracted.

“You need to think of your own happiness, Toushi.” He says seriously. “You do so much for all of us, but you must get lonely. Please know that we are all here to support you in your search for happiness.”

Ugh, Kondou-san is probably a bit drunk and more than a bit sentimental. But something close to Hijikata’s heart feels heavy. Kondou probably thinks he’s intentionally not seeing the girl for some noble reason…

Like before with Mitsuba.

Though he doesn’t think his reasons had been all that noble even then. It was just… what the situation had required.

This is very different though.

When this whole Nakamura debacle first started, he had already kissed Gintoki. And his heart is a traitorous thing but above all it is loyal. It set its sights on the good-for-nothing Yorozuya and hasn’t budged since.

Part of why he hasn’t told anyone about Gintoki and him is because of this Nakamura business. Kondou keeps talking about children and married life and the rest of Shinsengumi — all the ones with enough guts to say it to his face — keep promising they will support their Vice-Commander to hell and back even and perhaps especially if he decides to settle down with a good woman.

But none of that has the desired effect on Hijikata, because he doesn’t want any of it.

He wants what he has.

And the Yorozuya and him may be many things, may do many things in the future, but they are very unlikely to ever settle down together to have kids and live peacefully. The bastard already has kids for one, and Hijikata can’t think of anything more hateful than a boring peaceful life. He’d rather argue himself to death with the bastard any day of the week.

He just doesn’t have the heart to tell Kondou that.

Plus throughout everything that happened in the last few months he may have forgotten to get one other thing cleared up:

Whether Yorozuya actually feels the same.

* * *

When morning comes, Gintoki has unsuccessfully tried to fall asleep for the better part of six hours. At least Kagura slept through the night, so this isn’t a repeat episode.

Nonetheless, by the time Shinpachi walks through the door his patience with this day is already running thin and he has to both convince Nakamura-san that her wish to marry Hijikata is stupid, whilst also making sure that the kids don’t figure out exactly why he has to convince Nakamura-san that her wish to marry Hijikata is stupid. So he has his work cut out for him.

Shinpachi is incredibly motivated which spells trouble. And as already established, Kagura had a full night’s sleep, so God knows what she will do.

“Gin-chan, Kagura-chan says we have a client?” Shinpachi asks as he takes off his shoes.

“Yes, Nakamura Haruka. She is the daughter of the Factory Cakes guy and wants to marry Hi— I mean, one of the Shinsengumi, but her father doesn’t approve.”

“Ah, so we need to convince the father?”

“Completely incorrect. We need to convince Nakamura-san that her endeavour is in vain!”

“Eh?” Kagura asks, “But Gin-chan, I thought we wanted to teach her how to be a poor man’s wife, so she and her future husband can run away together?”

“Well, this is where you are wrong! Obviously Nakamura-san is a wealthy woman and she will never be happy beside a poor man. She just doesn’t know it, so we need to stop her from making a terrible mistake!”

Gintoki does his best to look utterly determined to discourage any inane questions.

“But shouldn’t that be her choice?” Shinpachi asks.

Questions exactly like this one.

“No, Shinpachiii! We need to do what’s best for our client, obviously.”

They’re both looking at him, unconvinced. This really isn’t working out in his favour.

“Plus with her chosen future husband being a tax thief, we need to stop her from dishonouring herself by marrying one of them.”

“Oh!” Shinpachi says as if an idea has just come to him, which can only mean trouble, “We should ask Hijikata-san or Okita-san if they know which member of the Shinsengumi is Nakamura’s love! Maybe if they talk it out, they’ll find a way to resol—“

“NO, SHINPACHIII!” Gintoki interrupts quickly, “This mission obviously requires the utmost secrecy. What do you think will happen to the poor girl when the Mayora tells her father that she wants to run away, ey? No, no, no, we will do this job without any Shinsengumi intervention. In the true Yorozuya way!”

The kids are still looking at him, unconvinced.

* * *

When Nakamura-san actually arrives, she hands over an envelope full of money and bows.

“Please teach me all there is to know about being a poor man’s wife, Yorozuya Gin-chan.”  
she says sweetly.

Ugh, she probably would make a good wife to the bastard. No, no, no, this is his conscience speaking and he must ignore it at all costs!

“Right, Nakamura-saaan!” he says to her, “The very first lesson any good wife to a poor man has to learn is how to scrape money together for her husband’s JUMP!”

“Eh?!” both Kagura and Shinpachi exclaim from where they are standing behind him.

Gintoki starts looking for change in various places, all the while explaining.

“You have to be extremely thorough, Nakamura-san, coins can hide anywhere! You have to look carefully and then look again!” He demonstrates this.

“This can’t be the first lesson!” Shinpachi says and hits him over the head.

“Gin-chan, shouldn’t we bring her downstairs? The old hag can probably teach her better than we can-aru!”

“Yes, I think Kagura-chan has the right idea, Gin-san.” Shinpachi agrees, “Come on, Nakamura-san, Otose will be able to teach you better than this guy.”

“Noooooo!” Gintoki loudly disagrees, “No, actually it is time for your first exam!”

“But you haven’t even taught her anything yet!” Shinpachi yells from the sidelines, where he belongs.

Gintoki won’t be distracted though. He has a protagonist’s focus.

“Nakamura-san, I hope you have studied hard for this first test.” he says seriously.

She seems confused but earnest when she nods.

“Your first test is to buy groceries for a week for two people with only…” he takes a couple of bills out of the envelope Nakamura gave him, then decides against it and grabs the coins, “… ¥ 500!”

“That’s literally impossible!” Shinpachi yells.

“Ah, ah, as a poor man’s wife, you have to make the money last. Off you go, Nakamura-san.” he says and drops the coin into her hands.

* * *

He has to give the girl credit, because even though she looks dazed when he gives her the assignment, she does actually go out to buy groceries. And because he is not entirely heartless, he sends Kagura and Sadaharu after her to spy and see how well she does (and maybe to ensure that she buys something that they can actually use after).

Meanwhile, Shinpachi is giving him the meanest look on the planet. Gintoki grabs his JUMP and tries very hard to ignore it.

“What is really going on here, Gin-san? You aren’t teaching her anything!”

“I told you, we need to make sure, she forgets this whole idea.”

“But you are wasting her time with this. Maybe we should just talk to her. Maybe the person she wants to marry will make an effort to get a better job—“

“Noooo, Shinpachiiiii! That is a terrible idea! Leave the good ideas to Gin-san! You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I know that you’re not telling us the whole truth. Something smells fishy!”

“If the sushi reeks, don’t eat it. I don’t pay you to eat anyway!”

“You don’t pay me at all.”

“Right, you are, because I don’t pay lazy people who eat my food and steal my strawberry milk!”

“We don’t even have any strawberry milk at the moment!”

“Which is why Nakamura-san needs to get some for us! It will all work out for the best! We will have strawberry milk and she will have learned how to budget for strawberry milk, which is a valuable life skill.” A pause. “Look, you have to trust Gin-san here, okay?”

Shinpachi looks as if he wants to argue some more. He can’t though, because suddenly Kagura bursts through the door with Sadaharu behind her.

“They kidnapped her-aru! Someone took Nakamura-san right off the street!”

“WHAAAAT?” Gintoki and Shinpachi yell in unison.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your kind comments, everyone! They mean the world to me! :)
> 
> And just fyi: This story will be 5 chapters + an epilogue.
> 
> Enjoy!


	3. Chapter 3

If Gintoki was a kidnapper, where would he take the heiress to a cake empire? He isn’t sure whether his thought experiment is getting him any closer to the answer.

After bursting through the door, Kagura led them to where Nakamura-san had been abducted but there were no witnesses other than Kagura and no clues other than the bag of Sukonbu (sending Kagura with her really had been a mistake) that she had been carrying when she was abducted.

Now they are standing on a street in Kabukicho with a missing client and no idea where to start the search for her.

“Kagura, you said it was a car, right?” Gintoki asks again.

“Yes, it was a completely white one.”

Hm. A white car. Not exactly much to go on. He’s looking around a bit.

They aren’t far from his favourite Pachinko parlour, so he knows the area fairly well, he thinks. But not a lot of the businesses are open here in the middle of the day, so it must have been easy to grab her off the street. The only thing he still doesn’t get is…

“Kagura,” he wonders aloud, “why didn’t you do anything?”

“I couldn’t, Gin-chan! I was very distracted, Sadaharu had just made a very big number 2 and I was a very proud mother! I didn’t even realise she was gone-aru. I heard the scream, turned and there was only the car.”

It _really_ had been a mistake to send Kagura with her.

“I tried to follow but they disappeared around the corner a little further from here.”

“Wait a minute! You chased them? Up to where? Maybe there are clues there!” Shinpachi says. And for once, he actually has a point.

“Just up that street and around the corner, but when I got there, they were gone.”

“It’s clear, what has to happen now,” says Gintoki. “This is a case for Meitantei Gin-san!” He produces a looking glass.

“Put that away, this is a copyright infringement in the making and the situation is serious!” Shinpachi yells.

“Kagura, tell Meitantei Gin-san where you last saw the car!”

“Over here, Meitantei-Gin-san!” Kagura says and starts running down the street, Sadaharu on her heels.

She calls over her shoulder, “I’ll be Nemuri no Kagura from now on!”

Gintoki follows.

Behind him he hears Shinpachi’s exasperated “Stop it! If you keep doing this, the author of this fic is going to have to tag this as a cross-over!”

* * *

Even though he woke up grumpy, Hijikata has to admit that so far the day overall hasn’t been too bad. When he finishes the last report on his desk it is just past lunchtime and it looks fairly peaceful out, so he may actually get an early finish today if all goes well. Okita is patrolling, so he has until at least tonight before he has to fear any further attempts on his life. This may actually end up being a really nice day.

He puts the report away, stands and walks outside, all whilst pulling out his cigarettes.

Outside, the Shinsengumi are training hard. He can probably join them in a bit if he fancies. Desk work always makes him so stiff, a bit of movement will do him good, he reckons.

He takes a drag from his cigarette and feels the restlessness in him dissipate a bit.

No, he thinks, all in all, despite the less than satisfying night before, not a bad day by any means.

Then someone crashes through the gate and all hell breaks loose.

* * *

“HELP! HELP!”

A man stumbles through the gate, two members of the Shinsengumi — the ones meant to secure the gate, he realises — by his side.

“Vice-Commander!”, one of them calls, “It’s about Nakamura-san!”

All eyes in the courtyard land on him. So much for his very nice day. Can’t even have a smoke in peace.

“What about her?” He grumbles and walks to meet the trio.

“Vice-Commander,” says the man. Yamada-san, his brain supplies vaguely, who usually delivers Nakamura’s cakes to the barracks, “Haruka-chan, she has been kidnapped! T-They want a ransom! This was hand-delivered to her father just a half hour ago!”

He holds out a badly glued together ransom note. Hijikata takes it from him.

“Hand-delivered? By whom?” Hijikata asks gruffly. “Why did no one stop this postman from getting away?”

“It was an Amanto, Vice-Commander. At first, we didn’t even know what we were looking at. By the time we did, he was gone.” Yamada explains.

“And no one noticed she was missing before?”

“The young Miss left early this morning on an errand and said she would be out for most of the day.”

Strange.

“Any idea what kind of errand?”

Yamada shakes his head.

Hijikata stares at the mismatched letters on the ransom note.

『if YOU wAnT TO seE NAKAmura haruKA again  
BRing ¥ 50.000.000 TO this PLace ToDay at 5 pm』

And a crappy little map is drawn underneath. Somewhere in Kabukicho. Huh.

He takes one last drag and puts the cigarette out.

One thing seems clear, the kidnapping and the girl’s errand are most likely related. In any case, what they need right now is something to trade as ransom with time being so of the essence.

“Kondou-san?” He asks and the man stands next to him in an instant.

“What are you thinking, Toushi?”

“I think we need to prepare some ransom and then we need to get the fucker when they’re expecting the handover.”

A pause.

“You heard the Vice-Commander!” Kondou yells and members of the Shinsengumi begin to look for all kinds of things to fill bags of “cash” with whilst others start laying out weapons.

“Don’t worry. We’ll get her back.” Hijikata promises Yamada.

And despite Hijikata’s best intentions, all of the Shinsengumi mistake his determination to do his job as concern for his lost lover.

* * *

Okita is snoozing in the police car when he gets the message that they’re looking for Hijikata’s alleged girlfriend again.

For a second, he considers whether he should steal some bombs from the evidence locker to throw at Hijikata in the inevitable showdown of this kidnapping, but he decides against it.

He’ll be too much on his guard, best to place one in his futon in a couple days’ time when he has forgotten all about them.

He doesn’t get much information about Cake Girl’s Kidnapping 2: Kidnapping Boogaloo. Apparently the kidnapper wants a ransom this time and the place of the handover is in Kabukicho. So he decides to just walk around a bit and see if he can find anything suspicious.

He only has to walk around the next corner to hear familiar voices.

“Meitantei Gin-san is on the case!”

Oh, this may have just gotten a lot more interesting…

* * *

“Meitantei Gin-san is on the case!”

“Seriously, stop it, you are the world’s laziest detective if anything!”

“Oi, oi, Shinpachi, don’t worry, I’ll invent a new character for you. You can be Shintantei, my sidekick who is still wet behind the ears and doesn’t know anything! You don’t have to change, you’re already in character!”

“Stop it, this is serious business! We still don’t know where she is!”

“Where who is?” says a voice not far from them and oh, no, God no. It’s the sadist. And he looks altogether too interested. So much for a job without Shinsengumi intervention. And if Hijikata finds out what happened… It doesn’t bear thinking about.

“Are you looking for Hijikata’s girlfriend?”

This stops Gintoki short.

“Hijikata’s WHAT?” he asks.

“His girlfriend, Danna.” Soichiro-kun looks as if he knows _exactly_ what kind of emotion he is sparking inside of Gintoki with this simple phrase. But that’s impossible. Nobody knows. “She keeps sending him tons of these cakes, even though he doesn’t even like them. He hasn’t eaten a single one, but they keep coming, so it must be love.”

“Oh, so it was Hijika—“ Shinpachi begins but Gintoki cuts him off.

“Sounds more like a strange kind of cake stalking to me.” His insides are doing very strange things indeed, “have you checked them for stalker cameras? Maybe she wants to know what Hijikata’s number 2 looks like.”

“Ah, Danna, I’m sure if you ask him, he’ll share some cakes with you.” Soichiro replies with a shit-eating grin.

“I think I’ll live without Nakamura’s stalker cakes if it’s all the same to you, Sofa-kun.” Gintoki says.

In an instant, Kagura appears next to him and tries to take his temperature with a thermometer that she must have produced out of thin air.

“We have to go home-aru. Gin-chan is ill. Gin-chan doesn’t want cake.”

“We can’t go home.” Shinpachi says, “We still need to… you know.” His attempt at an inconspicuous nod can be seen from space, Gintoki reckons.

“Anyway, I’m fine,” Gintoki says and waves the thermometer away.

“Say, Danna,” Soichiro continues with a suspicious sparkle in his eye, “what do you know about Nakamura Haruka’s disappearance?”

“Um, nothing.” he assures him, “absolutely nothing at all. Nope. We’re just out for a nice stroll, that’s it. Isn’t that right, Kagura-chan?”

“I’m not Kagura. I’m Nemuri no Kagura.”

More like Nemuri no Katsura… Damn brat.

Well, Soichiro-kun isn’t buying his excuses anyways, Gintoki can tell.

“I think, you’ll best accompany me back to the barracks.” the sadist says and well, there really isn’t anything he can say to that, is there?

* * *

Hijikata looks Pissed. As soon as they enter the barracks he gets all up in Gintoki’s face. The Gorilla stays several feet behind Hijikata, looking for all the world as if he would fully support Hijikata tearing Gintoki limb from limb right in front of him. The rest of the Shinsengumi that surround them also seem determined to take the circumstances of Gin-san’s impending demise to their graves. Sofa-kun just looks bored.

“What happened?” Hijikata asks.

“She got kidnapped.”

Hijikata’s Not Impressed Face is exactly as glorious as Gintoki remembers it.

“No shit! What. did. you. do. Yorozuya?!”

“Nothing! I swear! Gin-san didn’t do anything!”

“You ask me about her one night and the next day she gets kidnapped? And this is all coincidence, is it?”

“Now, look, in my defence, she was already my client when I asked you about her.”

“What kind of a crappy defence is that? What the hell would she hire you for?”

“Getting you to marry her.”

Hijikata’s mouth which clearly banked on arguing right back snaps shut. He looks a bit like someone just slapped him. Or like a fish out of water. Gintoki almost finds it funny. Almost, but then…

“And you… you took the job?!” Hijikata asks, incredulously.

“I—“ Gintoki starts, but is interrupted by the Gorilla.

“Don’t worry, Toushi, we’ll find your love. Isn’t that right, everyone?” he asks the rest of the Shinsengumi, who answer with a resounding “yes!” and start getting ready for what is clearly going to be a heavily armed retrieval mission.

Gintoki tries not to interpret anything into the way Kondou just referred to Nakamura. Does Hijikata actually refer to her as his love in front of the others? What the hell is he playing at? If anyone is Hijikata’s love it’s Gin-san! Not that they’re in the love-love-stage at all, but still! It’s a matter of principal and Hijikata should know this!

But Hijikata isn’t even looking at Kondou or the rest of the Shinsengumi. He is still staring at Gintoki with an expression that looks utterly confused and actually no, scratch that, he looks hurt.

Well, he can deal! It’s Gin-san who’s hurt because Hijikata has apparently been playing the field!

But none of this makes any sense, because he _does_ look hurt. There’s no other way to describe it and Gintoki takes a step towards him. But Hijikata just frowns and backs away. And fuck, something just went very wrong here. And then Hijikata scoffs, shakes his head and just leaves with members of the Shinsengumi, just leaves him standing there, and somehow Gintoki can’t shake the feeling that he has just fucked something up beyond belief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the little bit of Angst? Yikes...
> 
> Thanks for the comments on the last chapters, guys! :)


	4. Chapter 4

They are close to the handover place and Hijikata — like the beautifully ferocious Demon Vice-Commander he is — has been ignoring him the entire time and shouting orders at the Shinsengumi that have infiltrated the whole Kabukicho.

Which only hits home two irrefutable facts:

One, Hijikata is an utter bastard and Two, Gintoki is the fucking idiot who is head over heels for him.

It also makes him feel pretty useless right about now, because he doesn’t get orders from Hijikata. Obviously, he doesn’t want to get orders from him. He wouldn’t even listen to orders from the Mayora. At least not outside of the bedroom. But still, he feels quite responsible for Nakamura’s abduction and so standing around uselessly isn’t his idea of making it up to her.

So he looks around and is just heading towards some trash cans, thinking he may be able to hide in them and surprise the kidnappers later on, when someone shouts him down.

“Oi, perm-head!”

He turns and there is Hijikata in all his furious glory.

“Well, the Demon Vice-Commander is speaking to me! Fancy that!” Gintoki puts on his most flirty smile. He can fix this.

“Go home, Yorozuya.” he says and the sheer resignation in his tone takes the air straight out of Gintoki’s lungs.

He just sounds so _tired_.

“Out of the question, tax thief,” Gintoki argues, “she’s my client and Gin-san never—“

“This is a police investigation now,” Hijikata interrupts him, “you’re only going to get in the way.”

Then he takes his cigarette out of his mouth, steps closer to Gintoki and hisses, “You were so quick to wash your hands of me earlier, here’s your chance. Take the kids and go.”

He turns around and goes back to shouting orders at the Shinsengumi before Gintoki can answer.

The smell of Hijikata’s cigarette lingers in the air.

* * *

Gintoki is not a quitter. That’s not a good quality in a protagonist, so he never acquired it.

This is probably why he sent Kagura and Sadaharu to one side of the Kabukicho and Shinpachi to the other to lie in wait in case the kidnappers come their way after the handover.

Gin-san himself is in fact in a trash can right now, albeit a different one from the ones he was looking at earlier. A trash can is clearly where he belongs if Hijikata’s earlier expression is anything to go by.

_“You were so quick to wash your hands of me”_

As if Gin-san would ever!

He guesses that it must look this way, though. The first opportunity Gintoki gets to give Hijikata up for money and he takes it. That’s what this looks like.

And it leaves a grim taste in his mouth.

* * *

It’s 4:59 pm when a white car rushes past Kagura and Sadaharu.

* * *

It’s 4:59 pm when a white car rushes past Shinpachi.

* * *

Hijikata stands in the middle of a road in Kabukicho, two bags in hand filled with old reports and a thin layer of yen bills on top. He is waiting for the kidnapper of the heiress to the popular Factory Cakes franchise.

A franchise which — if he has any say in it — will never enter the walls of the Shinsengumi barracks ever again.

Kondou-san is standing a few feet away from him in an alleyway and Okita is in a shop to his right. The whole place is surrounded by members of the Shinsengumi. He is going to get this kidnapping bastard, he is going to save the girl, and then he is going to go home, drink himself stupid, and sleep off his stupid Yorozuya infatuation.

There. Foolproof plan.

He’ll be a new man tomorrow.

It is late afternoon. 5 pm. The streets are filled with people, so they don’t have visuals on everything. But he has people on the outskirts of the Kabukicho, so even if they lose them here, they’ll be able to catch them when they’re leaving. Hijikata feels good about this. He has a strong solidly good feeling that this will all be over very soon. Which is of course when it all goes to absolute shit.

First, the handles on one of the bags rip. Which at first he thinks is his fault, but then he sees the silver arrow that ripped straight through the material. He looks up in the direction it must have come from only to be pushed into the wall behind him by some drunk guy bumping into him. Good thing too. Because otherwise the second arrow would have hit him clean in the forehead. Shit.

Even more shit, the drunken grandpa is busying himself by taking apart his bags.

“Oi!” he says, “Those are mine!” But then another silver arrow rushes past his head. He looks around but can’t see where these damn arrows are coming from, so he yells, “Everybody find cover, we are under attack!”

Which obviously makes everyone but the Shinsengumi run for cover in a wild panic. But what choice does he have with some random person shooting arrows into a crowd of civilians? He tries to grab the bag from the old drunkard but the man won’t budge.

He can see Okita coming to his rescue — which is embarrassing enough — but he is intercepted by a woman who starts a knife fight with him in the middle of the road which is when Hijikata finally gets a clue and realises, this whole thing is a set up, even the drunkard must be in on it. He punches him, but misses and receives a punch to his own face instead.

He pulls out his sword, just in time for the drunkard to grab a couple of knifes from inside his yukata. Who knows where he kept those…

The old man is quick but Hijikata is quicker. He has him on the ground, struggling beneath him in no time. Only then…

He sees it out of the corner of his eye. There’s an arrow shooting straight at him. Fuck, he is going to have to get up and counter it.

He cuts the arrow in half with his sword, but because he had to move his leg, the old man has one hand free now and he cuts Hijikata’s ankle open like the fucker he is. Hijikata knees him hard in the face and the man loses consciousness.

He looks around. The girl Okita was fighting seems to have vanished and Okita himself is breathing heavily. The bags are gone, not that it matters. They weren’t worth much. Kondou is nowhere to be found which means he is probably in pursuit. He tries again to see the archer at least, because they have to get this person down from up there. But he can’t see anything because the sun seems to be right behind and shit, is that another arrow?

Which is when Gintoki steps in front of him and snaps the arrow clean in half with his bokuto.

Hijikata sees a shadowy figure stand up on top of the building opposite him and run towards the back. All their leads are seemingly running in opposite directions.

Three members of the Shinsengumi are looking at him, expectantly.

“What are you waiting for? Go after them, damnit! Find them or it’s seppuku for all of you!” he shouts and they scram in all directions.

“And take this guy into custody,” he tells Okita, who comes over and takes the old drunkard with him with surprisingly little grumbling.

Which only leaves Gintoki and him. Gintoki, who is standing in front of him and staring.

Hijikata is furious. He is bleeding. His head hurts. And the stupid fucking idiot is still here, even though Hijikata sent him away hours ago.

“Why the hell are you still here, Yorozuya? I thought I made myself clear?!”

“Look, Hijikata-kun, it’s not what you think.” Which is a terrible fucking defence. And he can’t believe that the bastard is bringing it now.

Yorozuya tries to touch Hijikata’s arm, but Hijikata isn’t playing today. He has to find this stupid cake girl and rescue her for the second time in three months. So she can go right back to ruining the one good thing he thought he had. The work truly never stops.

More importantly, he needs this bastard to understand that he won’t need some sort of scheme to get rid of Hijikata. Hijikata isn’t some kind of stupid little boy with a crush who can’t get a date and won’t take no for an answer. Fuck, what he needs is a cigarette.

Hoping that his pack is still intact somewhere he starts patting himself down. Yorozuya is still looking at him. Well, fine, Hijikata can multitask!

“Right, look, asshole,” he says and just checks if all members of the Shinsengumi have indeed scrammed, especially Okita, ”if you wanted this whole thing to end, you could have just said so. I don’t need you to run around and save me and I certainly don’t need you to find me some sort of replacement.” Which he feels is a reasonable response. He feels momentarily proud of himself for not punching the bastard in his smug face like he deserves.

“Replacement?” Gintoki squeaks and his voice does a weird little crack thing which honestly isn’t fair considering he’s the one who tried to pawn Hijikata off to the highest bidder.

“Yes, I can find plenty of other people to fuck in shady love hotels, no need to worry your shitty little perm.”

Yorozuya backs away like Hijikata just slapped him. Good. The bastard deserves it.

He can’t seem to find his fucking cigarettes, which makes this situation even more aggravating. He’ll just have to have one later, when this is all over.

He turns away from Yorozuya and walks away. There is work to do. Some of the kidnappers probably ran this way, they must still be in the area.

“Oh really?” the lazy perm calls after him, because he can’t let anything go.

“Yes!”

He can feel the bastard coming after him like the nuisance he is.

“Really, Oogushi-kun?” Gintoki makes another grab for his arm, the absolute fucking asshole. Why can’t he just leave him alone?

Hijikata stops, turns and yells, “Who are you calling Oogushi-kun, assho—?!”

The kiss Gintoki presses to his lips is painfully sweet. It reminds him of their first kiss a bit, only less drunk. It’s like Gintoki presses regret into it, like he thinks he may never get to kiss him again and Hijikata can’t help but groan and open up beneath it. He can never help it when it’s Gintoki. For some reason he just can’t say no to this stupid idiot and for a moment all he can think about is Gintoki’s lips moving against his, their tongues coming together, Gintoki gently biting down on Hijikata’s lower lip… and then Gintoki’s mouth moves away and he presses their foreheads together.

Fuck, he’s so gone, he must look absolutely stupid. The only good thing to come out of this stupid ambush they ran into is that the road is completely void of people now, so no one is there to witness this frankly pathetic display.

“Oi, oi, Toushirou,” Gintoki says quietly, “please don’t leave me for a wealthy cake wife.”

And before Hijikata can answer, he is gone, running down the street.

It takes several seconds for Hijikata to realise that Gintoki just took off after the kidnappers.

“The hell?” he says to no one in particular and chases after him.

* * *

When Gintoki reaches the very same corner where Kagura lost the car earlier in the day, he suddenly realises with a sinking feeling where exactly he is. And everything makes sense. Of course, Kilian… The fucker had abnormal tastes in strawberry milk, of course he would be a kidnapper. It all came together now.

He can’t see any of the kidnappers on the street but it must be this. He can feel it. His lips are still tingling from kissing Hijikata and his spirits are high. He must be right. He has a protagonist’s instinct!

The heiress to the precious cake empire goes missing the day after he discusses the very same person in a bar?

Too much of a coincidence.

Gintoki walks slowly towards the entrance of the building and when he can’t hear a sound coming from the inside, he enters.

Kilian the bartender is standing behind the bar wiping down his counters, looking to all the world like a man just closing up shop. Which strikes Gintoki as mighty strange at what constitutes as maybe late afternoon.

“Ah, welcome, Yorozuya,” he says, “I’m afraid I’m not opening this evening.”

“Oi, oi, Kilian, has Gin-san not always been a good customer to you? Why must you betray me so?”

“Um, what do you mean?” The Amanto laughs nervously.

“I mean, you are the one who handed the note to Nakamura Keisuke that his daughter has been kidnapped. And you are the one who is holding her here.”

“What? That doesn’t make sense! Why would I?” But he doesn’t wait to see if Gintoki buys it. Instead he grabs three sake cups and throws them in his general direction, then dashes to the right to disappear into the back of the building. Gintoki doesn’t waste any time and is hot in pursuit.

The worst part of being in a house that you do not know is the fact that you don’t know how many people may be hiding in it. As he passes a door, someone comes out and punches him square in the nose and for a second Gintoki thinks the surprise of the punch is enough to take him out. But he manages to shake it off and punch back, pulling his bokuto out and delivering another hit to his unknown attacker.

The man falls to the ground. It’s not Kilian, so there may be more people in this house. Probably the majority of Nakamura’s kidnappers from earlier. The one on the ground looks familiar as far as Gintoki can tell, though the light is terrible and he didn’t get a good look at the one the Gorilla was fighting, so it’s impossible to tell whether this house is in fact Kidnapping Central.

He keeps his bokuto at the ready now, but the hallway is narrow and he doesn’t know how useful this is actually going to be. He just needs to find Nakamura, get her out, and then he really really deserves some Factory Cakes for his troubles, he thinks. Factory Cakes and maybe a day off spent with Hijikata if he’s amenable. _Please_ let Hijikata be amenable…

He comes to a small backroom door that screams “Room for the Kidnapped”. So he thinks this is where the final battle of the fic will likely take place. Finally.

He pushes the door open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go, plus the epilogue! Thanks for reading, everyone! :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, so this chapter hasn’t aged well in the few days since I wrote it. If any of you have had people involved in the explosion in Beirut, you may want to hold off on reading this now.

Hijikata runs around the corner just in time to see Gintoki disappear into their bar and for a moment his brain cannot comprehend what he is seeing. Then he thinks, _of course, that stupid Amanto!_

He is just about to run in after him, when he is stopped by Okita’s hand on his shoulder.

“Hijikata-san as much as I would like for you to be blown into a million pieces, as part of my job I do need to inform you that apparently this building is full of bombs.”

“What?”

“We caught some more of the kidnappers and apparently they are working with the bomb guys we thought we arrested the other day. It seems you missed that the delivery we intercepted was already delivery no. 2.”

“What do you mean, I missed it, you idiotic bastard? You missed it too!”

“Regardless, I wouldn’t recommend going in there to rescue your love from certain death.”

“Who are you calling my love, stupid sadist?”

“Nakamura-san of course.” Okita says with a completely straight face.

Oh, how Hijikata wishes he could punch something. He looks back at the building and debates whether or not to run in after Gintoki.

“How many did you catch?” he asks.

“Three,” Okita says.

“The archer?”

Okita shakes his head.

“And Kondou-san?”

“Haven’t heard from him.” Okita says. Which means with the archer and the person Kondou may have been pursuing likely still on the run there could be…

“Two more and the Amanto.” Hijikata mumbles to himself. Not a terrible number for Yorozuya to take on alone, but also not nothing if he doesn’t know they’re there.

“Plus the bombs,” Okita adds helpfully, “don’t forget the bombs.”

* * *

What Gintoki doesn’t expect to find is a room full of, well, explosives if he has to guess. He opens the door and the walls are carefully lined up with all kinds of stuff. Some of it looks like fireworks, other things… not so much.

There is another door to his left, which he immediately goes to, because what’s the point in stalling? If he’s going to blow up, he may as well see if he can’t at least get Nakamura out before.

He opens the door and to his great surprise there she actually is, neatly tied to a chair, looking at him with big fearful eyes.

“Oi, oi, Nakamura-san, when I sent you grocery shopping, I didn’t mean firecrackers.” he says and goes to her. He puts his bokuto down next to him and starts to untie her.

He has just got her free, when Kilian and a guy appear in the doorway.

“Ah, ah, ah, what do we have here, ey?” says the guy.

Gintoki puts a hand on his bokuto. But the man only smiles.

“I’m sorry, Yorozuya, they have my daughter!”, Kilian says beside him. Probably hoping for Gin-san’s mercy. Gintoki hasn’t decided yet if he’s feeling so generous.

“Shut up,” says the guy.

“I’m sorry to disrupt your little fireworks station, but I’m afraid Nakamura-san and I will be missing the display.” Gintoki drawls.

“On the contrary,” the guy says, “you are the display.” And in a motion that is all too foreseeable he throws the door shut and Gintoki hears the lock. Fuck.

So much for getting Nakamura out safely before blowing up.

There is a tiny window behind Nakamura’s chair, so Gintoki immediately gets to work on that. He isn’t sure, he will fit but Nakamura is slim enough to fit through possibly. And he has a job to do if it kills him! He is the Yorozuya! Nothing can stop him, not even a window!

Also, the window gives after a couple of hits, so that’s lucky.

“Come on,” he calls to Nakamura and he hoists her up to it. She takes a few moments to wiggle through the broken window. Parts of her Kimono get cut by the glass, but she seems to make it through unharmed. Once she’s outside, she turns to give him a hand up.

“Ah, not going to happen.” He says. “I’m afraid, Gin-san’s slim physique isn’t going to make it through here. I’ll try the door. You have to run, though.”

He hesitates. What if he doesn’t make it out in time. He left things in such a state…

“If you see Hijikata…” he starts.

But then he hears another door slam shut somewhere in the building and he shakes his head.

“Nevermind. Run!” He tells her and Nakamura, ever diligently following orders, pushes away from the window and runs.

Right, now the door. Gintoki takes his bokuto and goes at it with all his might.

Once, twice. Three times, but the thing won’t budge. So he throws his bokuto aside and hauls himself against the door instead, ribs be damned.

The thing finally snaps open and he almost falls into the mountain of explosives on the other side of the room that he just stumbled into.

Aaaaand now he can smell smoke. Right, no time to dawdle. He only hopes, he can remember the way back out.

* * *

Gintoki saves the day by getting himself blown up, because of course he does. The explosion isn’t as big as it could have been, but still big enough to almost give Hijikata a heart attack. The building comes down clean around Gintoki, though. By which Hijikata means he doesn’t seem to be getting hit by any of the rubble through sheer dumb luck.

For one terrifying second, though, Hijikata thinks this is it, the bastard is done in by some wannabe rebels that Hijikata could have already arrested, had he only been a bit more thorough. But no, the stubborn idiot is stumbling out of the building’s ruins barely upright. He has a bloody nose, Hijikata realises, and from the way he’s carrying himself it looks like something may be wrong with his ribs.

“What the hell do you think you’re playing at, you stupid idiot? Running into a building full of bombs with no back-up? Is there nothing underneath that perm but strawberry milk?”

Yorozuya has the audacity to smile as he stumbles forward. Hijikata rushes to meet him before he falls and brains himself. Instead, he lands heavily on Hijikata’s shoulders which is infinitely better than the alternative. Hijikata tries to ignore the instant relief he feels.

“Didn’t know about the bombs,” Gintoki mumbles into his neck. “But Hijikata-kun,” he lifts his head to look into his eyes, “I think we may have to switch bars.”

And then he promptly passes out.

* * *

When Kagura, Sadaharu, and Shinpachi get back to Kabukicho from their respective white car chases, Gintoki is conscious and sitting up against a wall opposite a burnt out building that used to house a bar. Hijikata is standing next to him, wearing a massive frown, and occasionally handing him a cup of water, whilst doing his best impression of someone who wants to be simultaneously as far away from and as close to Gintoki as humanly possible.

“Oi, oi, what sort of time do you call this? We already caught the kidnappers!” Gintoki says.

Shinpachi, who seems to have been running after his white car on foot and then back here, chokes out, “Too many white cars in Edo…”

Kagura nods solemnly in agreement.

* * *

A few feet away, Yamazaki who has been in this fic the whole time but blended in too perfectly with the background hands Okita ¥ 2000.

“I told you, it would be Danna, not that Nakamura girl.” Okita says.

“Yeah, yeah…” Yamazaki grumbles.

* * *

All in all, it ends quite well, Gintoki thinks.

The Shinsengumi caught the kidnappers on the outskirts of the Kabukicho. Nakamura-san is alive and well. And Hijikata seems to have forgiven him for both his botched attempt to bring about and subsequently ruin Hijikata’s would-be runaway wedding and his almost getting himself blown up in the process, so it’s a win-win.

Nakamura’s father invites them all to a company picnic the day after in a nearby park, where they get to stuff themselves with Factory Cakes of all flavours and lots of sake as thanks for saving his daughter. _Nothing_ can ruin this moment, he is sure.

“You should have told us that you couldn’t help her because you are with Hijikata-san. We would have understood.” Shinpachi says, completely unbidden into this beautiful moment of reflection, thus making the impossible possible.

Gintoki splutters.

“Th-That was not the reason at all! I only had the girl’s best interest at heart! Who wants to put up with his grumpy face forever? She would have gotten old and wrinkly before her time! Gin-san is sacrificing himself so that none of you have to!”

“Does this mean Toushi is my new mommy-aru?” Kagura asks.

And honestly, Gintoki doesn’t have an answer to that but he thinks he likes the idea.

* * *

“So, not Nakamura-san then?” Kondou-san asks tentatively a few feet away from where the Yorozuya are arguing.

“Ah, no.” Hijikata answers and scratches the back of his neck. “I’m sorry if this isn’t what you expected, Kondou-san.”

“Expected?” He sounds flabbergasted. “Toushi, you don’t have to worry about what I expect. All of us, we only ever want you to be happy.”

Hijikata concentrates hard on the cicadas in the trees to distract himself from his own emotions.

Kondou-san hands him a cup of sake and smiles.

“So, are you happy, Toushi?”

Hijikata looks over to where the idiot is fighting with Kagura over the last piece of Factory Cake.

He smiles.

“Sure.” he says and means it.

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, everyone who has stuck with this story! Thanks for all your lovely comments! This is my first multi-chapter fic, so I am quite excited that it's finished. :)
> 
> Epilogue to come in the next couple days!


	6. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the epilogue. I had a lot of fun writing this story, thanks so much to everyone who stuck around for the ending! :)

Yamada has worked for the Nakamura family for the better part of his adult life. He has been there for the wedding of Keisuke and Mayu and the birth of their beautiful daughter Haruka. He has worked tirelessly to make sure the young lady has everything she could wish for and today is no different.

It is the first time he is to deliver a package to this particular address and he feels hopeful that maybe this time the young lady has set her sights on someone more suitable than the Demon Vice-Commander of the Shinsengumi. He is quite relieved actually that he won’t be taking any more cakes to the barracks. He could never shake the feeling that the Vice-Commander was anything but happy to see him, so it’s a good thing he won’t be seeing as much of him anymore.

When he exits the taxi though, he becomes less certain that the young lady has indeed changed her mind.

“Yorozuya Gin-chan” is the person he is to deliver the Factory Cakes and her letter to. Only, when he arrives at the given address bright and early on a Saturday morning, it is none other than the Vice-Commander himself standing in front of the door having a smoke in the cool morning air.

Yamada walks up the steps to what appears to be the Yorozuya front door.

The moment the Vice-Commander sees him, his entire face darkens.

“Oi, what are you doing here? Cake Girl stalking me now?” he asks, and Yamada really wishes he wouldn’t refer to the young lady as Cake Girl.

“Ah, um, terribly sorry to inconvenience you, Vice-Commander, but, um, this delivery isn’t strictly speaking for you.”

“Eh?” Hijikata-san answers.

“It, well, it is for a person who calls himself Yorozuya Gin-chan.” Yamada explains.

And if it is at all possible, Hijikata-san’s face becomes even more furious.

The Vice-Commander slides the door open and yells, “Oi, oi, lazy perm, get up.”

For a second, there is no answer.

“Oi, oi, mayo-brain,” he hears a voice coming from inside, “finish your cigarette and come back to bed. Gin-san is tired.”

Yamada blushes bright red and he thinks he can see a blush on the Vice-Commander as well though whether it be from anger or embarrassment is impossible to say.

“Oi, you idiot, you have a delivery, bring your lazy ass out here!” Hijikata-san shoots back.

He can hear some movement coming from inside now and then the door slides open further.

“Eh? Delivery?” the man who comes into view says.

Yorozuya Gin-chan, Yamada realises in horror, is if anything a worse choice for Haruka-chan. He saw the man at the picnic the other day he realises and the natural perm and dead eyed expression do nothing to make him look even the least bit respectable. But Yamada will do as the young lady asked.

“Ah, Yorozuya Gin-chan, I have a delivery here for you from Nakamura Haruka. She awaits your answer with bated breath.” he says, bows, and presents the package of Factory Cakes and the letter.

“My, my,” Yorozuya-san says and takes the box and the letter, “looks like you are not the only person with a secret admirer, Toushi.”

“Pfft,” the Vice-Commander answers, “So secret they put their name on the box.”

“Ah, ah, you mustn’t be jealous now. Gin-san is very popular with the ladies. And Factory Cakes are an excellent treat for Gin-san. The lady chose well.”

“Well, she won’t be able to keep you around for long with that diet, lazy pre-diabetic.”

“At least she is taking an interest in Gin-san’s likes! All you ever get me is mayonnaise on mayonnaise, you mayo-brained tax thief!”

Yamada isn’t sure what’s happening in front of him but it looks suspiciously like a lovers’ quarrel and he would like nothing more than to make a swift exit but neither man lets him get a word in edgewise.

“Just because your palate has been so burned away from all the sugar you consume that you cannot enjoy the world’s most delicious condiment, doesn’t mean the rest of us have to suffer along with you!”

“I think you’re just jealous she didn’t send you mayo-flavoured cakes, but she knows Gin-san’s favourite!” He holds up the strawberry-patterned box triumphantly.

“If you want to rescue Cake Girl twice a month in exchange for artificial strawberry sweets, fine, be my guest.”

“It would be more payment than Gin-san usually gets for his hard work!”

Hijikata-san snorts.

“Hard work, my ass,” he puts out his cigarette, “Come on then, perm brain, let’s cut your cake.” and he disappears inside the house.

Yorozuya-san smiles and shakes his head. He looks down at the box of Factory Cakes for a moment and then hands it back to Yamada, who doesn’t expect this at all and almost lets the precious cargo fall to the ground.

“Um, they are for you, Yorozuya-san!” Yamada says.

“I know, I know, sorry for not accepting a gift. I know it is quite rude, but leading the girl on may be even more rude.” he says calmly, “Please thank Nakamura from me.”

“Oi, you exchanging love letters with Cake Girl or what?” Hijikata-san’s voice comes from inside.

Yorozuya-san snorts.

“But I’m afraid, I won’t be able to accept her offer.” he continues.

With that said, he turns towards the inside of the house and slides the door shut in Yamada’s face.

Yamada can only stare at the cakes in his hand. One thing is certain, Haruka-chan sure knows how to pick ‘em…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus for Glowing_Blue (Thanks so much for your comment!):
> 
> When Yamada gets back to the Nakamura estate, he has decided two things. He won't tell the young lady that Yorozuya-san didn't even accept the cakes, but he will tell her of his suspicions. Though this may turn out to be a most uncomfortable conversation for him, he feels it may help give her closure.
> 
> Haruka-chan is in high spirits when he gets back to her.
> 
> “How did it go?” she asks.
> 
> “Ah,” Yamada says, “I’m afraid the young man is not inclined to marry into the Nakamura family at this point.” 
> 
> Her face falls.
> 
> “Oh,” she says.
> 
> “Um, Nakamura-san,” he asks, “Are you certain this young man is… for lack of better word… available?”
> 
> She looks at him, curious.
> 
> “Only,” he continues, “it seemed to me, well, that Yorozuya-san and the Vice-Commander are…” — how should he phrase this — “involved.”
> 
> “Eh?!” Nakamura says and looks surprised for a few seconds. Then something very strange happens. Her eyes sort of glaze over and she stares into the distance for a while. Yamada is just about to ask her what's wrong, when...
> 
> “Yamada-san” the young lady says with a terrifying glint in her eye, “I need you to find me some doujinshi…”
> 
> Thank you for reading this story! :)


End file.
